tell me what to feel

when you're with an entire group of friends, and none of them are making a conscious effort to speak in a language you understand. they know you're there, of course they do. and they know you don't understand a single word, because they even take the effort to apologise for not speaking english. and when you're just there, silent. surrounded by 'friends', but never have you felt more alone in your entire life. because essentially, you're invisible. but its okay, you'll get used to it. part and parcel of life, no ?

when you thought you had vague plans with your friends, but it turns out they have made plans after that with other friends, and now you're invited to join them.

when you hear nothing at all from the people you care about back home. and its no help that you're thousands of miles away, 3 hours ahead and battling the endless bombardment of tutorials, all while looking for a place that would be willing to take you in for a mere 3 months at a reasonable price.

i'll tell you what i feel.

i feel like an idiot, a fucking idiot standing in the middle of this group of friends, not understanding a single damn thing they're saying because i didnt grow up with that language, but pretending that its okay. pretending that i dont mind that they're not even bothering to include me in their conversations.
why? because i have no other friends, no where else to go, no one else to talk to me. everyone else has friends from their own hometown, or from the same country. i don't, and thats the worse feeling ever. you feel like they don't respect you enough to even include you, and thats the worse kind of loneliness you can ever feel.

i feel like a substitute, and not even a good substitute. you used to be their only friend in the country, but now that their friends from home have arrived, they have so many activities and you're not exactly part of it, but you're casually invited. but what difference would it make it you went ? it'll be all a myriad of foreign sounds and noises as they communicate in a language foreign to your brain.

and its no comfort, because even then, you don't have much chance to talk to your friends back home. everyone is busy and caught up with their own work, there's a lapse of contact, you feel like the physical distance and time difference is putting a big distance between you and home. however much you want to call back, you restrain yourself because it might be too early, they might be busy - when is the right time to call ? and so it drags, one day, two days, a week, a month.
and then you're so out of it, you don't know what's happening anymore. everything is a surprise, everything you wanted to say gets forgotten. what do you feel then ?

you stop feeling, stop thinking and cast your heart in stone. you tell yourself 3 months will be over in a flash, its not as long as you think it to be.
you go to sleep, immerse yourself in your work. put a smile on your face, talk laugh and joke like you feel nothing, because its all in your mind.




because it scares me, that a friendship may be diluted by time and distance, that im not a strong or good enough friend to be able to see this through. it scares me too much, and its sad.


BUT ITS ALL IN YOUR MIND.