Those were the days

When I was young, I never imagined such things would happen. Call me naive, call me innocent, whatever you have. But when I was young, growing up meant that you got to do what you wanted, being happy with your family, friends and the people you love all around you.

I never imagined that growing up meant losing the people close to me, the people who have impacted my life in many ways.

Someone who inspired and encouraged me, who brought joy to music and english.

Someone who practiced and toiled together through SYF, who provided mutual encouragement through exams and life, in general. Someone who was a friend.

This year, I lost many things I never imagined losing so early on, and its scaring me.

Earlier this month as I dialed for the ambulance, my heart was pounding and my hands wouldnt stop shaking. My calm voice as I recited my address and reason for calling never betrayed the turmoil that was erupting within my body; shaking hands and beads of cold sweat - I will never forget that moment. That feeling of helplessness, as I desperately search my knowledge for something that would help my brother. Alas, basic bio knowledge is useless in situations like these; knowing which system kicked in when I was in an emergency situation did nothing to help my brother. At that time, I wanted nothing more than to have undergone at least a year of medical studies/training - maybe than, I would be able to do more for him than I did that day.

Even now, as I write, I feel a sense of fear for the future. A part of me wants to move on, to experience all that life has to offer. However, this incident resurfaced the fear of being away from my family, the fear that as I am out there doing what I need to do, one of them may just leave me in the blink of an eye.

That is my greatest fear.

"The day will come when I feel nostalgic
Even about the worries that I have right now
Until then, it's alright to cry
This is the passing point of a long life
It's alright to stop moving sometimes
Until it's washed away by the tears

It might all just be for nothing
I've thought that so many times
I've sacrificed everything
And I've thought about giving up
But instead of living my life making to someone else
As to why I can't do it
If I can't do it, then even though it may be awkward
I should go up against it in my own way" - 嵐　虹のカケラ~no rain no rainbow~